Lifesavers for Latasha

As we close out our 31st day at Cleveland Clinic and the 30-day post-HLT transplant mark, I am going to get into the raw emotions of it all. So get ready to get into the feels today.

I’ve chosen to take this approach today for many reasons, primarily because Latasha had a massive emotional breakdown today, and I feel it’s important to note it on our journey but also to show the hardness of it all.

I have had my share of epic breakdowns throughout this journey, as everyone involved has. However, Tasha is a very inwardly focused woman, and her strength emanates from her stoic attitude and positive outlook on life.

I, for the most part, have the same outlook on life, except I tend to boil over quicker and am way more vocal to those around me.

Today, Tasha boiled over from pain, exhaustion, frustration, and fear. I will break each one down from my perspective in the hope that Tasha will expand on it later in her book.

Pain

I have seen Tasha bash up against some of the harshest physical, emotional, and mental pain that anyone could ever face. She’s a champion at fighting pain and the best in the business. But one can only do that for so long before they break. Today was that breaking point. Everyone has a moment where the brain and body misfire, and then there is an emotional and mental misfire and wallah – breakdown. Tasha’s came in the form of not being able to complete her first physical therapy walk like she was before her fourth surgery. I felt her pain through her tears, the shaking of her body, and anguish pouring out of her mouth with words of pain.

The pain broke my heart. I felt helpless once again to care for and protect my wife. I consoled her and gave her words of encouragement and tough love to help her through the temporary but permanent pain.

Oh, what irony…

Exhaustion

Life in the Intensive Care Unit is not for the weak. Sleep doesn’t occur. Sure, they are napping and passing out, but not restorative sleep. That leaves your body’s physical, emotional, and mental states in deficit. The constant noise of beeping, phones, talking, yelling, and shouting from patients and nurses, vitals every hour, this x-ray and that test, and don’t forget that luxury bed they give you—it all equals exhaustion.

A compounding recipe for disaster.

Frustration

Tasha was hours from walking out the hospital doors to start her postoperative recovery journey. That was dashed by a damn blood thinner creating a cascade of internal bodily failures all because of a blood thinner. All that physical and occupational therapy is down the drain for a damn blood thinner. The thoughts of finally getting a shower, sleeping in a bed, wearing comfy clothes, and eating real food destroyed over a damned blood thinner. And now, there is no end in sight when all those feelings can come to fruition.

Frustrated, doesn’t even begin to cover how she feels. Angry and furious are a start. I saw Tasha angry at herself for being unable to do what her mind told her legs to do, furious because she was back to square one. That hurts to watch; it hurts terribly.

Fear

Tasha has never feared much medically because she’s been through so much. If there’s a test or procedure, she’s most likely had it done. She’s an expert at being a great patient. She’s easy to care for because she cares about everyone around her. Empathy, compassion, and love are her strong suits.

Sadly, today, I saw fear creep into her and take root. The fear of the next setback, the next close call, the next hurdle that causes more pain, and the possible failing at this journey and letting down the organ donor’s family.

This upset me! To see the strongest person I know’s foundation shake because of the next unknown was jarring. I have been here every step of the way and know all too well how damn hard this is, but I don’t know how hard this is. Not really, I don’t. Not from her point of view. I suppose she makes suffering and being in pain look easy.

No wonder she broke down. No wonder I’ve broken down. No wonder this journey will make or break a person and their marriage. It is not for the faint of heart. We thought this would be easier.

Oh, the hubris of that.

So, as I close this update out, I will end with this, Tasha’s favorite quote:

“Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it” – Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery