Lifesavers for Latasha

I want to write an honest and raw post about how and why fear is the purveyor of my current regret.

Fear is a damned evil fucking monster that lives deep within us all. Fear is that dark inner voice that rips us down and stops us from being brave, kind, moral, loving, strong, vulnerable, compassionate, and empathetic toward others, but most importantly, ourselves.

If harnessed correctly, fear creates the very things that stop you from showing your true self. We all have historical and current examples of men and women whose acts of greatness resonate with us and drive us to emulate them as our beacons, role models, and mentors.

So why the hell am I talking about fear? Well, frankly, this has been the main emotion that I’ve been at war with for so long regarding the transplant journey.

I’ve made peace with my past and the wrongs I’ve done in the name of self and country and, for the most part, forgiven myself. But I haven’t resolved my deep struggle with faith and humanity that I’ve lost along the way.

One can only get sucker punched in the face so many damn times before they get fucking angry and not turn the cheek the other way.

Frankly, I’m tired of always being the bigger, kinder, and quieter man. But I digress for a point. That being said, sometimes it feels like the road we walk turns into a highway to hell littered with our good intentions, and we leave pieces of ourselves along the way. I suppose that’s the path of life itself before we come to the end and go where we deserve to go.

But we always have choices, and we mustn’t let fear drive us to make bad choices.

As mentioned, fear has been the emotion at the top of the heaping pile.

When this journey started many years ago, I made a promise to Tasha and secretly to myself that my marriage vows are resolute and no matter what I am in this, regardless of how Tasha’s medical journey turned out, death til we part.

Sadly and shamefully, I was not entirely on board with the transplant because I let fear fester for a long time.

After all, we built a loving and solid marriage and amazing and happy life, despite all the pitfalls and bullshit along the way. And trust me; there has been a lot of my bullshit from my past traumas of being a hard charger knuckle dragging Army Infantryman. So I was scared to lose that. I was petrified to be alone if it all went wrong. I was afraid to be a lesser man without the woman who made me better.

I was a selfish fucking man for feeling all that. I feel guilty and ashamed even to write and admit that. But it’s true. The thought of facing my inner self alone is fucking daunting and damned scary.

The irony of this fear is that I kept it hidden because it wasn’t relevant to how I felt. I mean, how could my feelings matter in the moment of such a blessing? Now, as I see the miracle Tasha has been bestowed, I feel proud of her courage and strength and even more ashamed and regretful that I couldn’t see it because of fear. WTF!!!

I’ve faced so many hardships and seen humanity at its worst, and I know how to harness fear for good, yet I felt weak and powerless in the face of genuine fear. All I can do is bear witness to it all, and I share this to hopefully inspire someone who is struggling with being afraid to do the right thing by saying: fuck you fear.

Fear cannot control you. It can only make you stronger and shape your character to be the best version of yourself. So take a deep breath, look fear in the face, ball up your fist, and sucker punch that bastard in the face. Hold your head high and smile because you got this shitshow called life.

I truly do hope our story can help someone shape their moment and help them move through a moment in time a little easier. As I keep reminding Tasha and me, all of this is temporary. So be brave, be bold, and go to the next challenge.

You got this, whoever you are; regret nothing done in the name of love and compassion for your fellow mankind.

And when in doubt, have a stiff drink. Cheers!